Self-confidence and self-esteem are perhaps among the most admirable qualities a person can have. But not being taught how to be confident in our younger years can lead to a self-conscious, insecure adulthood.
“Happiness takes many forms, and we want our children to acquire skills that build self-confidence,” says Eva Moskowitz, Ph.D., CEO of Charter School System Success Academy and author of A+ Parenting: The Surprisingly Fun Guide to Raising Surprisingly Smart Kids.
“In a highly scheduled and hectic world with many external events happening on a regular basis, we can forget that intellectual engagement is actually a pretty important part of a child’s happiness and self-confidence,” says Moskowitz. Fortune.
The teacher and mother of three shares how to raise and motivate children to be their most confident, happy selves.
Push children beyond what is ‘easy’
Often, parents and educators believe that self-confidence grows when children complete tasks that are easily achievable, Moskowitz says. In her experience, however, that is hardly the case.
“Confidence comes when children go through a struggle – when they are given a difficult math problem or given a difficult opponent,” she says. “If they are given a difficult learning assignment and reach the other side, it creates confidence. And we take that away from children at our peril and, quite frankly, at our own peril.”
In a world of instant gratification, it’s easy to get fed up if we don’t get it right away. But success and self-confidence come from navigating and recovering from failure, Moskowitz says. Plus, it feels great to finally achieve something you’ve been working towards.
“I think we’ve lost a little bit of the sense that the most successful people have failed before,” she says.
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Sports and clubs can teach some skills better than in the classroom
After-school activities such as sports, theater, debate teams and other clubs play an integral role in creating what Moskowitz calls “intellectually vibrant” children – who are intellectually stimulated, energetic and challenged – which increases self-confidence and happiness.
“The idea of bouncing back from failure and the need for resilience is sometimes easier to teach in sports or other team activities than in a classroom,” she says. “Take self-confidence; you can achieve this in the theater and in the debate team in a way that is more difficult to develop in, for example, an English or mathematics lesson.
However, Moskowitz worries about barriers that make it difficult for children to have these experiences. For example, economic factors can make it difficult for some children to participate in after-school activities they enjoy, such as paying for sports or purchasing equipment for play.
Learn coping mechanisms for anxiety and stress
School, family life, friendships, extracurricular activities, and even things like appearance and crushes are all factors that can weigh heavily on children of all ages, leading to stress and anxiety.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, childhood anxiety disorders affect one in eight children and nearly one in four teens. Anxiety can reduce self-confidence, but a little bit of it is actually normal and healthy, says Moskowitz: “It’s a bit of a Goldilocks theory.”
Every child responds to stressors differently, so it’s important to be aware of your child’s behavior and how they respond to academic rigor or their social environment, Moskowitz says.
“Most children can learn to deal with stress,” she says. “You’re not going to be able to completely protect them from the pressures of the outside world, whether that’s economic pressure or some of the influences in their lives or, frankly, world events.”
She adds, “We really owe it to our children to treat them to deal with those stressors and be able to talk to them about what they’re feeling and how to manage those feelings.”
To help a child with anxiety, you can teach him or her the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding method – or a version of it. I spy. Ask them to identify five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. This will help engage their senses and calm their nerves. This method can be useful at any age.
When a child has the tools to ground himself and knows how to talk about his feelings, he can feel confident in his ability to manage stress and anxiety.
Parents: enjoy parenthood
It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of parenthood: hectic school drop-offs, overtired kids (and yourself), a million and one items on an endless to-do list. But children also sense it when you are stressed.
“If you put the worry and stress of parenthood on your children, they won’t enjoy their childhood as much as they could, and you won’t enjoy parenting either,” says Moskowitz. “And it is very important that your child knows that he or she enjoys being a parent their older.”
Watch movies and TV shows with your kids you really enjoy and play games you likes to play, she says. Do these things to not only bond with each other, but also to ensure that you are happy.
“There is a parenting model that revolves around self-sacrifice, and you can take all the joy out of parenthood if you’re not careful,” says Moskowitz. “And that will have a negative impact on your children.”
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